Where Are We?

Maybe I have to stop torturing myself everyday, am I really that bad? That's probably the question that I've been waking up to these past few months. I know, it's crazy. I remember during my early days in Russia, Garik told me to be the person I was when I was in Indonesia. 'The person like what?' I asked him. 'Feisty, fearless, the one that I love,' he said. Sometimes I still see that person in me, but most of the times, I don't really feel like there is still any me, in me. Who am I then? I don't know. And do I need to know? Yea.. maybe. What's the point of knowing anyway. To be more gentle with ourselves, that's what they told me. But often times, the idea about being gentle with myself makes me feel weak. Makes me want to surrender. Not that I like suffering, but endless joys lead to boredom, and endless joys make you fear death. And if death is the only thing that is certain in this life, do you want to live fearing the only thing that i...

What a strange time to be alive. It's July 2021, we are not done with the pandemic yet. Surprised! It's summer 2021 and we still live with Covid. And it looks like things can only get worse before it gets better. This is my third week in Jakarta, and I've been home all day! Like literally, all day. And surprisingly, I don't feel bored. I even have my routine. I even have my work desk in my brother's bedroom, with no AC - I don't even sleep with AC, and I survive, no problem at all. Usually I wake up at 6am, do some exercise, have my breakfast, then pooping (it's a must!), then back to work. I am leaving in ten days (hopefully, fingers crossed), still begging the Aminef to buy me ticket for next week. I haven't received my passport yet, and it's Thursday already, but I know that it's ready. I hope Mbak Nabila has all the patience in the world to bear with me as I text her everyday. I also know that I have to tell all of my friends about my departu...

I think about those sleepless nights, all of the dark clouds, the headache, the pain that attached to my body, the heart race, the fear and the endless fear of things I know not yet how to end. I visited that dark place again yesterday. My head was so heavy and my body ached, I couldn't sleep well, I checked my phone every hour even in my sleep, I woke up early to do some yoga then jog. I needed it so badly, I needed to exhaust my body, I needed to distract my brain. Then I had my breakfast and lunch with a long time high school friend. The day was sunny, we had breakfast in McCafe pretty close to where we live and had a really long talk that we decided to have lunch at local taco place. Today was rather a beautiful day, but I could still feel the dark clouds hangin in my head. I could still feel the pain I often had in 2019-2020, it was so heavy that I took my med once I got home, took a shower, then slept for hours. There's a huge hole in my chest since Garik left. I become m...

In my 20s, I: Met my true love at the age of 20. Finished my undergrad at the age of 21. Did my first real fieldworks at the age of 22 (Indramayu, Anambas). Got my first scholarship to Russia at the age of 22 (first trip abroad). Celebrated my 23rd birthday so faraway from home. Landed in Stalingrad at the age of 23 (dream came true). Traveled abroad with boyfriend for the first time at the age of 23 (this was actually a winner!). Started cooking at the age of 23! Survived the first year of graduate program in the coldest Russia which also was the first time I lose my shits at the age of 24. Began internship in Jakarta in 2015. It was also my first working experience in Jakarta, pretty stressful but happy as I got to meet my grandpa (Pak Luhu). Received my 25th birthday letter from Garik that arrived exactly on his birthday; it lightened up my night! Earned my master degree at the age of 25! Dad, I fucking made it! I didn’t want to go back to Indonesia. Started working in PolGov at the...

So, this is my second post under the same title and we are four days away from new year. To be honest, it feels so strange leaving this year. Mostly cause I don't feel like I've lived it enough, and neither do any of us, I think. But it is what it is, twenty twenty is ending. I don't know if I should be grateful, as if my gratitude would make any difference. I look forward to see what twenty twenty one has to offer but I also have mixed feelings considering how gloomy twenty twenty has left us feel. I am in Jakarta right now. Yep, another homecoming to celebrate my mom's bday on Christmas. It's been almost a week now and I'm still working. Yes, you're right, I'm not taking any leave. Well, truth be told, I feel bad for coming home, again this year, as I got to leave my team working alone without me. Though on the one hand I think it's a good exercise for them, but on the other hand, I think that I should've been there for them though I know they...

Oh hi, I just turned thirty last week. I know right?! It's frustrating, how can I suddenly be thirty? It was a happy day. I booked a hotel room and spent a night with my closest friends. I planned on staying up late but I got too tired that I fell asleep at 9pm. So there was neither making wishes nor blew the candle. I turned thirty in my dream and when I woke up, I already was thirty and was officially older than Garik. Someone asked me recently about my thoughts of turning thirty. I haven't thought about it but I definitely will write a long email to him explaining how thirty has been treating me. Now that I think about it, well.. I think it's humbling and sad. I certainly feel a lot more mature now than I have ever been, but at the same time I terribly miss Garik even more than I have ever felt. I miss my days in Russia; the Christmas dinner, the winter stroll, the chilly weather, being the stranger nobody wished to meet, I miss coming home to talk to him, I miss waking ...

So, I have this favourite place I've been visiting since I was in college. It takes about 10 minutes drive from home. It is called Lotus Mio , Pak Rudi introduced me to this place when I was still volunteering at Kolong Tangga. I remember he bought me ice cream one afternoon when we were busy preparing for the Pameran Celengan  in Benteng Vredeburg. Writing this, I try to remember when exactly was the Pameran Celengan, and guess what! It was ten years ago, you can check it here https://www.antaranews.com/berita/228394/museum-anak-kolong-tangga-gelar-pameran-celengan. A lot have happened since that day, Lotus Mio looks a bit different these days, but thankfully, they still serve my favourite mint chocolate chip ice cream and apple pie that I love so much. When I drove through Tirtodipuran this noon, I remembered about Dana, Garik, and Pak Rudi who just passed away recently. Dana passed away in August, 2018; while Garik departed from this earth in May, 2019; Pak Rudi left us all last...