Where Are We?

Summer is ending, and school starts in two weeks. My body is aching, I don't know what's happening. No, I lie, of course, I know what's happening. I miss him, I've been missing him terribly these past days. It's crazy, I want to cry like a baby. It gets heavy, my chest gets heavy. Everything has been really good lately. Somebody asked me just yesterday how have I been feeling, and honestly, I've been feeling good. Except that I've been missing Garik so badly lately. I'm at his home right now, and I don't remember many of my dreams, but I remember when I first got here two weeks ago, I dreamed about him. I dreamed that he was there waiting for me. I don't remember where he was, but it was a bit scary when I woke up. Yet honestly, relieving at the same time, the idea that he is waiting for me. Gosh, I love him so much. I cannot stop asking myself if I ever love anyone like I love him ever again. But it leads me to another question whether I love hi...

Several months ago, I subscribed to the Daily Stoic mailing list. I first read Ryan Holiday's book Ego is the Enemy probably last year. I didn't finish it, not that it's bad but it was a pdf and I had no desire to buy the hard copy one - again, not that it's bad. But I enjoy his Instagram account, and the daily wisdom his team sends through the mailing list. Confucius taught me before to despair cheerfully and now I learned a new way to cheerfully whistling. Not a bad idea, I guess. This morning I strangely had the urge to read some of my old blogs, the ones I wrote not long after Garik died. No reason, just wanted to visit my old self. I cried, of course. Looking back to those days when everything seemed impossible and pointless. To be honest, I know I've told you this so many times, but I don't remember much of what happened during that period of time. Again, Frankl says it's apathy, the final stage of human suffering. Not that such moments did not exist n...

I'm at the airport right now. Nope, not O'hare, not Union Station (obviously), I'm in Jogja, on my way back to Jakarta. I spent a week here, visiting my old life. It sounds so dramatic, but I've always been so dramatic. It felt quite strange coming back here, it felt like a distant memory while it was only last year that I left this city. I passed almost all of the roads I used to pass every single day in the past five years, the mountain I used to capture, the food, the shops, the office, all the people who used to cheer with me, one of my closest friends left this city, I didn't really feel like hanging in a cafe and have a long reflective talk, instead, I got a bunch of books that I really wanted to finish and luckily, I at least finished one. It's so strange to be a guest in your own home, I wish I could tell Garik about this feeling cause Jogja had always been our home, but now, I guess not anymore. Perhaps I told you before about how much people love me. I...

I could not sleep last night. Spring semester almost ends and sometimes I wonder what did I do to survive this far. A lot of things happened, I entered a new chapter in my new home, and everything has become more manageable. Last night, I had a strong urge to open the emails you sent me and tried to read them again as if it was yesterday. It's going to be three years next month, and I still have a hard time realizing that you will never be in my present or my future. How strange, the hurt never fades, and I still cry like nothing has passed. In the last birthday email you sent to me, you recalled those early days when we first met. We were twenty-one, we were so young that the nights we spent together felt like a lifetime. You were so into Kid Cudi and hated that I always compared him to Tupac just to mess with you, and you always said " who compares Kid Cudi to Tupac, you have to stop! " I could not believe that you did not know No Doubt, but we both liked Guns n' Ro...

As you can see in the title, I'm at Chicago Union Station again right now. Sitting almost on the exact same table I sat at in November, after my Thanksgiving trip. This is January 11, 2022. I just ended my first winter break in America by spending 3 weeks in Wake Forest, North Carolina, for Christmas and New Year. How am I feeling right now? Grateful, my heart is filled with love and gratitude. I can't believe so many things could happen in a month, or maybe it always could, I just have to look a little closer. Ok, so, let me start with Chicago Union Station. E asked me several times about how long am I going to wait at Union Station, and I told her it's going to be a few hours but don't worry cause I like waiting at an airport or a station. And she asked me what do I like about it? I told her that I like to write about my trip, not necessarily writing about the moments or what I did during that trip, but more about the feeling and things I learned throughout the journe...

Okay, now that 2021 is ending, this is the year I turned 31; the year I started my PhD; the year I spent with Garik's family; and of course, the year I moved to the States. In eastern time, we are entering the new year in three days. Crazy, huh? How do I feel about it? Hmm, I don't know, mostly disappointed with myself, I guess. I don't think I did well in my first semester and it feels kind of outweigh everything else that happened this year, which is sad. A lot of things happened this year, but the failure and disappointment I have towards myself seem to be taking over all of the other great moments and emotions I experienced this year. I simply don't know how to fix it nor do I know how to feel otherwise and be more gentle with myself - and do I even need to do so? I don't know. I wish I could have a meeting with my therapist though. As I turned a year older this year, I feel like I keep losing the ability to like myself even more. I don't know if that's ...

I am in Chicago Union Station right now, having my usual Starbucks hot cappuccino, just finished my literature review for one of my courses that is due next Tuesday, and now letting Damien Rice does his magic in me; you should listen to this song if you haven't already https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjTjRQwruI (Damien Rice & Mariam Wallentin - Astronaut). I have been away for a week. Last week I spent two nights in Chicago, then I went to Raleigh for Thanksgiving. My first ever Thanksgiving in America. I was so nervous, not because of the Thanksgiving but certainly about coming to Raleigh and meeting all of his family in person. I couldn't stop thinking about ' what if I cannot do this? What if I cry? What if I cannot stand seeing his parents' eyes ?' And now that it's done, you may wonder whether or not I cried. Of course I did, last night, in the bathroom, alone. I still feel like crying right now, to be honest. As a matter of fact, I cried on the plane!...