Where Are We?

I am in North Carolina again right now. Spent my second Thanksgiving two days ago, with a house full of laughter, a family full of love, and a heart full of gratitude. It feels like I have never been this calm and happy in such a really really long time that I can feel a stream of gratitude flows through my heart. I think I wrote it here that I had another serious relapse last May, the three-year anniversary. It was tough, my head was heavy and dark. I thought I wouldn't recover. I always wondered how long life has to stay that way. I still had no desire to think about the future, like it even matters. I was so skeptical about life and taking life too seriously is just dumb. I had everything I'd ever wanted, all the love in the world, yet no matter how sunny the day is outside, inside, it'd always been a dark cloud. That was pretty much how my days were six months ago. It is kind of interesting to remember that I thought I was no longer floating back then, but looking at it...

It was 4 o'clock in the morning. My body was freezing, you were lying next to me, sleeping so soundly. I thought about running outside, just to feel warm and stare at the window. But then I refused to make a sound, a good night's rest is something so precious I can't compromise for my great impatience. So I stared at the ceiling, asking myself what kind of world am I living in? My mind flew to the days I never knew existed. Can I be normal again? Like those moments I felt cherry in my heart, and perhaps, butterflies flew before my eyes. I still can't feel his words dancing in my ears, although reading them made me want to shed some tears. Oh how I wish to die, life is too great of a burden to bear.  Can I try to settle now? Is he trustworthy enough for me to share some of my pain? Or this is just a game that one day I will lose again? But I don't want him to suffer the way that I did, none in this world deserves the misery I once felt. My head was spinning the next ...

  The heart races, dark clouds, empty head, your smile, the birds sing, and my eyes on your steps. What are we doing here? You have to tell me what we are going to do when the week ends! Yesterday my head was spinning. I needed good company, I held back my tears losing one of the many nonsense battles I had with myself. You said I worry too much. Yeah, maybe, you're right, I guess now fear is stronger than doubt. But what do I fear? I don't know... failure, lies, truth, exclusion, hatred, love? They all can't be far from myself. I know you think I'm losing my mind but it's so hard not to feel disgusted by this girl you met last night. How can people love me is the question I share aloud. But fuck it, you were there and you smell amazing, there's nothing I could complain about. Nobody knows who you are in my life, but I guess I just have to celebrate what is that makes me happy - and think about why is only when I'm in agony. I could spend day and night writi...

Summer is ending, and school starts in two weeks. My body is aching, I don't know what's happening. No, I lie, of course, I know what's happening. I miss him, I've been missing him terribly these past days. It's crazy, I want to cry like a baby. It gets heavy, my chest gets heavy. Everything has been really good lately. Somebody asked me just yesterday how have I been feeling, and honestly, I've been feeling good. Except that I've been missing Garik so badly lately. I'm at his home right now, and I don't remember many of my dreams, but I remember when I first got here two weeks ago, I dreamed about him. I dreamed that he was there waiting for me. I don't remember where he was, but it was a bit scary when I woke up. Yet honestly, relieving at the same time, the idea that he is waiting for me. Gosh, I love him so much. I cannot stop asking myself if I ever love anyone like I love him ever again. But it leads me to another question whether I love hi...

Several months ago, I subscribed to the Daily Stoic mailing list. I first read Ryan Holiday's book Ego is the Enemy probably last year. I didn't finish it, not that it's bad but it was a pdf and I had no desire to buy the hard copy one - again, not that it's bad. But I enjoy his Instagram account, and the daily wisdom his team sends through the mailing list. Confucius taught me before to despair cheerfully and now I learned a new way to cheerfully whistling. Not a bad idea, I guess. This morning I strangely had the urge to read some of my old blogs, the ones I wrote not long after Garik died. No reason, just wanted to visit my old self. I cried, of course. Looking back to those days when everything seemed impossible and pointless. To be honest, I know I've told you this so many times, but I don't remember much of what happened during that period of time. Again, Frankl says it's apathy, the final stage of human suffering. Not that such moments did not exist n...

I'm at the airport right now. Nope, not O'hare, not Union Station (obviously), I'm in Jogja, on my way back to Jakarta. I spent a week here, visiting my old life. It sounds so dramatic, but I've always been so dramatic. It felt quite strange coming back here, it felt like a distant memory while it was only last year that I left this city. I passed almost all of the roads I used to pass every single day in the past five years, the mountain I used to capture, the food, the shops, the office, all the people who used to cheer with me, one of my closest friends left this city, I didn't really feel like hanging in a cafe and have a long reflective talk, instead, I got a bunch of books that I really wanted to finish and luckily, I at least finished one. It's so strange to be a guest in your own home, I wish I could tell Garik about this feeling cause Jogja had always been our home, but now, I guess not anymore. Perhaps I told you before about how much people love me. I...

I could not sleep last night. Spring semester almost ends and sometimes I wonder what did I do to survive this far. A lot of things happened, I entered a new chapter in my new home, and everything has become more manageable. Last night, I had a strong urge to open the emails you sent me and tried to read them again as if it was yesterday. It's going to be three years next month, and I still have a hard time realizing that you will never be in my present or my future. How strange, the hurt never fades, and I still cry like nothing has passed. In the last birthday email you sent to me, you recalled those early days when we first met. We were twenty-one, we were so young that the nights we spent together felt like a lifetime. You were so into Kid Cudi and hated that I always compared him to Tupac just to mess with you, and you always said " who compares Kid Cudi to Tupac, you have to stop! " I could not believe that you did not know No Doubt, but we both liked Guns n' Ro...