Where Are We?

I could not sleep last night. Spring semester almost ends and sometimes I wonder what did I do to survive this far. A lot of things happened, I entered a new chapter in my new home, and everything has become more manageable. Last night, I had a strong urge to open the emails you sent me and tried to read them again as if it was yesterday. It's going to be three years next month, and I still have a hard time realizing that you will never be in my present or my future. How strange, the hurt never fades, and I still cry like nothing has passed. In the last birthday email you sent to me, you recalled those early days when we first met. We were twenty-one, we were so young that the nights we spent together felt like a lifetime. You were so into Kid Cudi and hated that I always compared him to Tupac just to mess with you, and you always said " who compares Kid Cudi to Tupac, you have to stop! " I could not believe that you did not know No Doubt, but we both liked Guns n' Ro...

As you can see in the title, I'm at Chicago Union Station again right now. Sitting almost on the exact same table I sat at in November, after my Thanksgiving trip. This is January 11, 2022. I just ended my first winter break in America by spending 3 weeks in Wake Forest, North Carolina, for Christmas and New Year. How am I feeling right now? Grateful, my heart is filled with love and gratitude. I can't believe so many things could happen in a month, or maybe it always could, I just have to look a little closer. Ok, so, let me start with Chicago Union Station. E asked me several times about how long am I going to wait at Union Station, and I told her it's going to be a few hours but don't worry cause I like waiting at an airport or a station. And she asked me what do I like about it? I told her that I like to write about my trip, not necessarily writing about the moments or what I did during that trip, but more about the feeling and things I learned throughout the journe...

Okay, now that 2021 is ending, this is the year I turned 31; the year I started my PhD; the year I spent with Garik's family; and of course, the year I moved to the States. In eastern time, we are entering the new year in three days. Crazy, huh? How do I feel about it? Hmm, I don't know, mostly disappointed with myself, I guess. I don't think I did well in my first semester and it feels kind of outweigh everything else that happened this year, which is sad. A lot of things happened this year, but the failure and disappointment I have towards myself seem to be taking over all of the other great moments and emotions I experienced this year. I simply don't know how to fix it nor do I know how to feel otherwise and be more gentle with myself - and do I even need to do so? I don't know. I wish I could have a meeting with my therapist though. As I turned a year older this year, I feel like I keep losing the ability to like myself even more. I don't know if that's ...

I am in Chicago Union Station right now, having my usual Starbucks hot cappuccino, just finished my literature review for one of my courses that is due next Tuesday, and now letting Damien Rice does his magic in me; you should listen to this song if you haven't already https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPjTjRQwruI (Damien Rice & Mariam Wallentin - Astronaut). I have been away for a week. Last week I spent two nights in Chicago, then I went to Raleigh for Thanksgiving. My first ever Thanksgiving in America. I was so nervous, not because of the Thanksgiving but certainly about coming to Raleigh and meeting all of his family in person. I couldn't stop thinking about ' what if I cannot do this? What if I cry? What if I cannot stand seeing his parents' eyes ?' And now that it's done, you may wonder whether or not I cried. Of course I did, last night, in the bathroom, alone. I still feel like crying right now, to be honest. As a matter of fact, I cried on the plane!...

Maybe I have to stop torturing myself everyday, am I really that bad? That's probably the question that I've been waking up to these past few months. I know, it's crazy. I remember during my early days in Russia, Garik told me to be the person I was when I was in Indonesia. 'The person like what?' I asked him. 'Feisty, fearless, the one that I love,' he said. Sometimes I still see that person in me, but most of the times, I don't really feel like there is still any me, in me. Who am I then? I don't know. And do I need to know? Yea.. maybe. What's the point of knowing anyway. To be more gentle with ourselves, that's what they told me. But often times, the idea about being gentle with myself makes me feel weak. Makes me want to surrender. Not that I like suffering, but endless joys lead to boredom, and endless joys make you fear death. And if death is the only thing that is certain in this life, do you want to live fearing the only thing that i...

What a strange time to be alive. It's July 2021, we are not done with the pandemic yet. Surprised! It's summer 2021 and we still live with Covid. And it looks like things can only get worse before it gets better. This is my third week in Jakarta, and I've been home all day! Like literally, all day. And surprisingly, I don't feel bored. I even have my routine. I even have my work desk in my brother's bedroom, with no AC - I don't even sleep with AC, and I survive, no problem at all. Usually I wake up at 6am, do some exercise, have my breakfast, then pooping (it's a must!), then back to work. I am leaving in ten days (hopefully, fingers crossed), still begging the Aminef to buy me ticket for next week. I haven't received my passport yet, and it's Thursday already, but I know that it's ready. I hope Mbak Nabila has all the patience in the world to bear with me as I text her everyday. I also know that I have to tell all of my friends about my departu...

I think about those sleepless nights, all of the dark clouds, the headache, the pain that attached to my body, the heart race, the fear and the endless fear of things I know not yet how to end. I visited that dark place again yesterday. My head was so heavy and my body ached, I couldn't sleep well, I checked my phone every hour even in my sleep, I woke up early to do some yoga then jog. I needed it so badly, I needed to exhaust my body, I needed to distract my brain. Then I had my breakfast and lunch with a long time high school friend. The day was sunny, we had breakfast in McCafe pretty close to where we live and had a really long talk that we decided to have lunch at local taco place. Today was rather a beautiful day, but I could still feel the dark clouds hangin in my head. I could still feel the pain I often had in 2019-2020, it was so heavy that I took my med once I got home, took a shower, then slept for hours. There's a huge hole in my chest since Garik left. I become m...