Where Are We?

 I was in the shower this afternoon listening to my Birdy playlist, and her song Terrible Love  came into play. The lyrics always ring in my head:  it takes an ocean not to break . I don't know why, I cried. It's incredible how much failure can teach me about life. It has been a while since I've come back here. It may be because I have an additional human diary now. Having David in my life still is so beautiful. I still can't believe how lucky I am sometimes. This feels like the most incredible blessing after having my family, friends, and people who love me. Returning to the shower this afternoon, I realized how messy and cruel my mind had been to myself. I couldn't appreciate my triumph and always replaced it with harsh judgment and disappointment toward myself. Of course, until I finally failed, I knew what true disappointment really was. This took me back to those days in Russia. The moment somebody told me that I was not good enough, didn't read enough, and...

"Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared to our own private opinion. What a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate" (Thoreau, in Walden, 1854) Already mid-January of the new year of 2023. It feels so weird that I didn't write anything here while 2022 was ending, especially considering the many horrible and beautiful things that happened. Now when I look back at 2022, the one thing that I am most grateful for was that I ended the year not thinking about the now and the future only for myself; I ended the year with a heart full of gratitude for companionship, lessons I learned, the person I became, challenges I faced, hardships I overcame, people I met; and most importantly, I was grateful for love. After what felt like an eternity living in a dark cloud, I think I ended 2022 with the fullest heart knowing that I finally became a good tyrant of my fate. Everything and nothing happened all at once. That is how I described last year...

I am in North Carolina again right now. Spent my second Thanksgiving two days ago, with a house full of laughter, a family full of love, and a heart full of gratitude. It feels like I have never been this calm and happy in such a really really long time that I can feel a stream of gratitude flows through my heart. I think I wrote it here that I had another serious relapse last May, the three-year anniversary. It was tough, my head was heavy and dark. I thought I wouldn't recover. I always wondered how long life has to stay that way. I still had no desire to think about the future, like it even matters. I was so skeptical about life and taking life too seriously is just dumb. I had everything I'd ever wanted, all the love in the world, yet no matter how sunny the day is outside, inside, it'd always been a dark cloud. That was pretty much how my days were six months ago. It is kind of interesting to remember that I thought I was no longer floating back then, but looking at it...

It was 4 o'clock in the morning. My body was freezing, you were lying next to me, sleeping so soundly. I thought about running outside, just to feel warm and stare at the window. But then I refused to make a sound, a good night's rest is something so precious I can't compromise for my great impatience. So I stared at the ceiling, asking myself what kind of world am I living in? My mind flew to the days I never knew existed. Can I be normal again? Like those moments I felt cherry in my heart, and perhaps, butterflies flew before my eyes. I still can't feel his words dancing in my ears, although reading them made me want to shed some tears. Oh how I wish to die, life is too great of a burden to bear.  Can I try to settle now? Is he trustworthy enough for me to share some of my pain? Or this is just a game that one day I will lose again? But I don't want him to suffer the way that I did, none in this world deserves the misery I once felt. My head was spinning the next ...

  The heart races, dark clouds, empty head, your smile, the birds sing, and my eyes on your steps. What are we doing here? You have to tell me what we are going to do when the week ends! Yesterday my head was spinning. I needed good company, I held back my tears losing one of the many nonsense battles I had with myself. You said I worry too much. Yeah, maybe, you're right, I guess now fear is stronger than doubt. But what do I fear? I don't know... failure, lies, truth, exclusion, hatred, love? They all can't be far from myself. I know you think I'm losing my mind but it's so hard not to feel disgusted by this girl you met last night. How can people love me is the question I share aloud. But fuck it, you were there and you smell amazing, there's nothing I could complain about. Nobody knows who you are in my life, but I guess I just have to celebrate what is that makes me happy - and think about why is only when I'm in agony. I could spend day and night writi...

Summer is ending, and school starts in two weeks. My body is aching, I don't know what's happening. No, I lie, of course, I know what's happening. I miss him, I've been missing him terribly these past days. It's crazy, I want to cry like a baby. It gets heavy, my chest gets heavy. Everything has been really good lately. Somebody asked me just yesterday how have I been feeling, and honestly, I've been feeling good. Except that I've been missing Garik so badly lately. I'm at his home right now, and I don't remember many of my dreams, but I remember when I first got here two weeks ago, I dreamed about him. I dreamed that he was there waiting for me. I don't remember where he was, but it was a bit scary when I woke up. Yet honestly, relieving at the same time, the idea that he is waiting for me. Gosh, I love him so much. I cannot stop asking myself if I ever love anyone like I love him ever again. But it leads me to another question whether I love hi...

Several months ago, I subscribed to the Daily Stoic mailing list. I first read Ryan Holiday's book Ego is the Enemy probably last year. I didn't finish it, not that it's bad but it was a pdf and I had no desire to buy the hard copy one - again, not that it's bad. But I enjoy his Instagram account, and the daily wisdom his team sends through the mailing list. Confucius taught me before to despair cheerfully and now I learned a new way to cheerfully whistling. Not a bad idea, I guess. This morning I strangely had the urge to read some of my old blogs, the ones I wrote not long after Garik died. No reason, just wanted to visit my old self. I cried, of course. Looking back to those days when everything seemed impossible and pointless. To be honest, I know I've told you this so many times, but I don't remember much of what happened during that period of time. Again, Frankl says it's apathy, the final stage of human suffering. Not that such moments did not exist n...